It’s time to come out of the online dating closet. By now, either you or someone you know has definitely experimented the location based dating/hook-up app Tinder. Even your average 4o-year old has probably downloaded “that tender app thingy.” The app is most popular with college students and twenty-somethings, but despite its hook-up heavy reputation preceeding it, it has been known to spark a genuine date or two. Based on profile pictures and awkward taglines, users can either swipe left for a dislike or swipe right for a like to match with a local users. People with mutual likes or matches can then instant message each other, choosing where to take or terminate would-be relations/relationships.
Swipe after swipe, it’s a seemingly endless pool of yes’s and no’s, hits and misses–and an instantaneous ego boost with every match. One thing remains the same though: the guys. From “that one dude holding a picture of a fish” to “the guy with all those puppies in his profile pic” there are certain tropes that not even internet dating can outrun. For every guy who looks like they hopped out of a Macy’s catalogu, we promise there will be three more serving up dad selfies. We narrow six of the worst Tinder-fella’s you’ll find no matter where you go. Swipe on.
1. The Headless Sportsman
Muscles or no muscles, torso guy knows what he wants, and he’s not afraid to be up front about (Hint: It’s not deep conversation and a date to the cineplex). Your only mutual interest is Fight Club, and all of his photos are literally identical. You’ll never see his face, but at least you’ll know that his bathroom mirror selfie game is on point.
Tagline: 6’4″ Add me on snapchat
2. The Stockphoto Model
For a dating app entirely based off superficial first impression, there’s actually nothing wrong with this guy. With a perfect face and jawline for days, you might even dare say he perfect. Almost too perfect? Plus it totally doesn’t help that he only has a two glamour-shot perfect pictures. With lines between ridiculously good looking and stockphoto catfish blurring dangerously close together, best stay away from this one.
Tagline: Management consultant. Triathlete. I enjoy good company and bourbon.
3. The Post-Grad Poser
He just started paper pushing at a major corporation and wants to meet someone fun since he’s new in town. You will know this because he will tell you. Fresh out of business school and eager to pick up those college summer transplants, Post-Grad is the douche you swipe right even though you know he’s full of it. He may be a douche, but at least he’ll buy you drinks first.
Tagline: Just moved here and looking for someone to show me around. New to this Tinder thing lol *sure you are buddy*
4. The Fratstar
That American flag bro tank and proudly raised solo cup can only mean one thing: you’ve found yourself a college fratstar. At his core, he is the bro-iest of bros. The phrase “white boy wasted” have never been so clearly personified as in his profile pictures. Whether he’s day drinking or sandwiched between girl friends, Fratstar will always prove that he’s a tryer and obviously DTF.
Tagline: In college and shit. Let’s get weird.
5. The Tinder Wild Card
From profile pictures with no one to profile picture with absolutely everyone, there’s no telling what you’re going to get with a wild card. If I’m going to make a snap judgement about our love connection, I’m gonna need a money shot. And no, that does not include dick pics. I think I speak for many when I say c’mon dude, get off Tinder and save that shit for Chat Roulette. Please.
6. The Grandpa
So he’s not your grandpa, but he definitely old enough. And you can’t help but wonder how he got on Tinder, let alone Facebook, to begin with. We’re firm believers in age being nothing but a number, but when that number is greater than our cell phone bills, it’s definitely time to pass.
Tagline: [Insert entire life story here.]
Think you can you relate? We want to know what’s the weirdest Tinder moment you’ve had? Comment or tweet us @TheUrbanRealist!