Beer. Barbecue. 18-hours of Independence Day on repeat. Whether you end up braving the mall for the sales, hiding out, or explaining to family members,yet again, why you’re still single, there’s no avoiding the 4th of July fanfare this weekend.
Maybe you’re a proud patriot who’s reveling in the festivity of it all. Maybe you just want to enjoy the 3-day weekend in peace. No matter what your big—or small—plans are this weekend, there’s always time to reflect on exactly why the red, white and blue ain’t so bad after all.
1. It only seems fair that we start off with a tribute to our long-enduring love affair with Netflix. The online streaming service first entered most of our lives around 2009, and we’ve been going steady ever since, one couch-potatoed binge at a time.
2. Say what you will about our fast food industry. It’s big. It’s booming. And if you’re telling us that you’ve never set drunken foot through those 2AM drive-thrus, then we’re calling bullshit right now.
3. It’s no secret that we are a people of extreme excess, but where else can you shamelessly enjoy three boxes of instant mac ‘n’ cheese followed by hibernation level napping.
4. In America, really anyone can be famous (at least for 15 seconds). We’re like an assembly line churning half-baked hot messes one failed career at a time. No one’s talking about it, but everybody’s watching…and we just can’t look away.
5. ‘Merica and denim go together like ice cream and frosties and a side of fries (which is perfectly in case you were wondering). Nothing can top the iconic perfection that was Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears serving the American people all-denim-everything circa 2002. If the US ever becomes a monarchy, we’ve got our sartorial figureheads.
6. And while we’re establishing this royal family, it goes without saying that our queen is flawless. Who run the world?
7. Whether you love them or you love to hate ’em, we’ve got a standard monopoly on the “frat bro.” Chubbies wearing, pong playing, beer chugging frat bros. And the only thing that these bros love more than their polo shirts and Bud is—say it with me—’MURICA!
8. From the country that brought you the Snuggies and Pajama Jeans, we’ve been solving everyday problems you didn’t even realize you had with one As Seen On TV solution at a time for years. (FUN FACT: Snuggies were originally called “freedom blankets”)
9. And on that note, we leave you with bacon. It’s on our burgers, our pizzas and even our beloved mac ‘n’ cheese. We realize this fine meat candy has the capacity to go on virtually anything, and that’s a beautiful thing. Bacon for the people.
So stock up on the illegal fireworks and throw on your corniest spiritwear because nothing says “happy birthday ‘murica” quite like capitalism and recreational explosives. Comment or tweet @TheUrbanRealist to tell us how you’ll be celebrating—or not— the holiday.
