UR SEX: 5 Tips to Getting What You Want in The Bedroom
Written By Danielle Adinolfi, MFT
This article was originally published on PhiladelphiaMFT.com. Be sure to check out their site for professional relationship and sex advice.
Talking about what you want in bed can be difficult, but can ultimately lead to a more rewarding sex life and a stronger, more intimate bond with your partner. Here are 5 steps to help you communicate what you are looking for in your sexual relationship:
1. Think before you speak.
Think carefully about what it is that you are asking for, and be sure to word it correctly. Your wording should demonstrate that you are trying to better your sex life, not to put down your partner. Think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed.
2. Timing is everything.
Make sure you are both in the right place (literally and figuratively) to have the conversation. Talking about a difficult topic will be easier if you are both in a comfortable, laid back mood. You should also attempt to ensure that there will not be anything that could distract from or rush the conversation.
3. It’s all in the details.
Be specific about what you want so that you can best help your partner understand. If they feel lost by your request, they may be discouraged to try. And worse, if your partner feels that the request is too broad they may see it as a dig to their sexual prowess. For example, saying “I want something different because I need variety” can be a blow to the ego.
4. Always use positive reinforcement.
When your partner listens to and does what you asked for, you should use some sort of positive reinforcement. This will encourage them to do so again, which is ultimately what you are looking for. Examples of this are moaning or saying something like “I love it when you do _______.”
5. Sex is a two way street.
Let your partner share what they want from you as well. Remember, sex is a two way street (or sometimes a three way street, but that’s another topic of the week entirely). By allowing there to be give and take you will feel empowered and more sexually connected to one another.
Danielle Adinolfi, MFT is a practicing therapist in Philadelphia. She received her Master’s Degree in Couple and Family Therapy from Thomas Jefferson University with a concentration in Sex Therapy. Her areas of expertise include sexual trauma, anxiety, pre-marital counseling and systemic issues. Keep up with her here.